


Never Had

by DearLazerBunny



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 22:31:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17129915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearLazerBunny/pseuds/DearLazerBunny
Summary: for the lovely @molmcb who requested a fic based on Oscar issac’s very own “Never Had”! As the song lyrics do not directly appear in the fic, I recommend you listen to the song first and then read. Enjoy, and let me know how you like it lovely! : )





	Never Had

You wake drowsily to your boyfriend, Poe, hopping into his orange flight suit one leg at a time, illuminated in the faint light coming through the window. “Babe?” You try to glance at the clock next to the bed. “What time is it?”

“A little past three, I think.” Digging his boots out from under the bed, he sits on the edge with his back to you and begins to shove them on.

Your heart sinks. This was his fourth mission in as many weeks. You understand that he’s important, the best pilot in the Resistance, and he’s needed by his team… but nobody works more than him. More missions, more time in medical, more time working on his rig. And part of you loves him for it- his dedication, the fire in his soul. But the other half wants to drag him back under the covers and hold him tight so he can’t leave you. Again.

“Hey, I… I thought we talked about this? That Leia was giving you a few days off…?”

He doesn’t turn around as he responds. “This one is too important for me not to take. Only me, Jess, and Snap are going. You understand, right?”

You sigh internally, sinking your head back into your pillow. Far be it from you to ruin the Resistance”s chances at a good fight. “Yeah. Yeah, I understand. Just… be careful, okay?”

“When am I ever?” The words take a moment to sink in, and then you open your mouth to protest, but he cuts you off. “Kidding, kidding.” He leans over to kiss you briefly on the lips and then he has his bag over his shoulder and the door is open and now it’s closed and… he’s gone. Off to god knows where in who knows what galaxy, doing what you know is good work… but then, why does it feel like your heart is splitting in half?

The next day, you wander aimlessly around base. You had planned to spend the whole day with Poe, so with his absence you were left with nothing but a hollow schedule. Wrapping a jacket around yourself, you force yourself to get out of bed and hunt down the one person who could maybe give you some answers.

“Leia?” You knock softly on her door. “Can I come in?”

“Y/N, of course.” You can hear the smile in her voice, even from the other side of the door. You slip in and settle yourself in a chair across from her, feeling somewhat like a petulant child running to her mother for help. You laugh a little at that. It’s probably a more accurate representation of the situation than you realize. “What can I do for you?”

“I had a question, actually. About-”

“Poe, I presume.”

You wince a little. “Yeah. Sorry. I feel like I never stop by just to ask how you’re doing.”

She smiles, the one with the twinkle in her eye, and taps a finger on her desk. “Perfectly all right. He’s a confusing character, your Poe.”

“Just as much yours as he is mine,” you tease. And it’s true. She’s a mother to him, ever since he lost his own. She takes the compliment humbly with a nod of the head.

“Perhaps. What has he done this time.”

You take a breath, trying to make the words not come out angry. “I thought you were giving him a couple days off?”

She frowns. “I did. I’m sure I told him to stay on base for the weekend, at least. Ordered, actually, because you know how he is.”

“I- see.” A sinking feeling begins to grasp in the pit of your stomach. You don’t like where this is going. “But he left in the middle of the night last night. In his flight suit. Said there was some special mission…?”

Leia’s features still. Then she clasps her hands underneath her chin and rests it on them, looking contemplative. “That’s what he told you?”

“Y-yes? Is that not…?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know what he was thinking. I purposefully scheduled a routine run that needed completing  _specifically_  so he could stay on base.”

“Oh.” Oh. “Well, that’s… what I needed to know, I guess. Thank you.”

You turn to go, until Leia stops you. “Y/N?” You pause, hand on the doorknob. “Go easy on him.”

You aren’t sure exactly what she meant, walking back to your room. But as you near your quarters, you realize a white hot rage is burning in the pit of your stomach. You’re mad. Why the  _hell_  would he leave when he knew the mission was run-of-the-mill? Why would he disobey direct orders? Why would he want to leave you?

You don’t know. You pace on it for over an hour and you still don’t know. So you do what you’ve never done before- you call him in the middle of a mission.

“Y/N? Is everything okay?” Poe sounds confused, as he probably should be. You never interrupt him during a mission, especially one that was supposedly important. But now you know differently, and this time he’s going to give you some answers.

“Hi, Poe.” You purposefully keep your voice neutral. “How’s the mission going?”

“How’s it-? It’s uh, it’s fine. You know. Routine stuff. Why are you-”

“Routine stuff? Because when you left you told me it was some super important run, that only the three of you were going on.” Silence on the other end. “And the funny thing is, I talked to Leia, and she’s pretty sure she ordered you to stay on base, like we talked about, so you could have some downtime. Preferably with me. Does that sound familiar at all?”

Still nothing. Then, a rush of static as he sighs heavily. “I guess I’m caught, right?”

“Yeah, you fucking are, Poe. Why the hell did you leave if this mission was nothing special?”

“Y/N, come on, you know me. I have to be out here with the squad.”

“Bullshit you do. They could have handled perfectly fine without you and you know it.”

“You don’t know that-”

“Well Leia seemed pretty damn sure!” You lift yourself off the bed and resume your pacing, unsure what to do with all the anger dribbling out of your fingertips. “Why’d you leave, Poe? It’s a simple question.”

He pauses. “I guess- I guess I just felt like I needed to get back out there, you know? Back n my rig, back with the guys-”

“Poe, you’d been home for three days. THREE. I’m no pilot but I bet I could ask anyone on your crew and they’d say they’d kill to have more than three days with their girlfriend-” then, it hits you, like a bolt of lightning. Oh, god. Oh my god. You grab for the edge of the mattress and slowly sit down, the weight of what you’re feeling hitting you right in the chest. “You don’t want to be here. Do you?” You have to say it slowly and deliberately, because each word feels like a dagger twisting in your stomach. “You don’t want to be here with me.”

“What? Y/N-”

“No, Poe, shut up and listen for once in your life. Why else would you leave when you had days off? When you knew I had plans for us today? When you’d just been on a mission not two days prior? There’s only one answer.” You swallow the hurt in your voice. “You don’t want to be here with me. You’d rather be off risking your life with your friends than laying by my side, or sleeping in, or giving me a real kiss goodbye. It’s… amazingly simple. And I’m sorry I didn’t see it before.”

“Y/N-”

“No, really. I’m sorry.” The tears have started to fall, cascading down your cheeks. You wipe them away with a rough hand. “I’m sorry I’ve kept you here for this long when you don’t want to be tied down. I’m sorry I’ve tried to force you into downtime when you don’t want it. I-” your breath catches. “God, I feel so stupid. Sleeping next to a man who doesn’t want to be sleeping next to me.”

“Y/N, you’ve got it all wrong-”

“Do I? Then tell me. Honestly. Why’d you leave last night?”

Silence. For a long time. And then- “I don’t know.”

“That’s what I thought. That’s what I fucking thought.” Your heart feels like it’s shriveled and died inside your chest. “We’re done, Poe. I won’t be the one to tie you down when you want to gallivant around space every damn day. I’m sorry I did it for so long. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough to keep you home.”

“Wait-!”

“I’m done waiting for you,” you whisper. “Goodbye.” And you hang up. Throw the phone away. And proceed to collapse onto your bed, sobs echoing throughout the room.

His pillow still smells like him.

…

You don’t do much the rest of the week. You do your shifts at work, then come home and methodically clean your space of his stuff. You’d told Leia what had happened, and she’d held you as you cried, and then quickly reinstated his old room back to him before you’d moved in together. You take his jacket, his pillow, his papers and whatever else you could find and shove it in the empty quarters, ridding yourself of it. You didn’t want anything more to do with Poe Dameron. Because he clearly didn’t want anything to do with you.

Sleep was short and agonizing. You thought you were used to sleeping in an empty bed, but knowing he wasn’t coming back made you toss and turn like nothing else ever had. A knock on the door wakes you from fitful dreams, and you drag yourself out of bed. It’s probably Leia, making sure you’re okay. You put on a brave face and go to meet her-

Except it’s not Leia at the door. It’s Poe, disheveled and dirty, with bags under his eyes. Your conviction almost breaks right then and there. You just want to hug him, kiss away the bruise you see on his cheek, and fall into bed with him. But your nails clench into your palms, ridding you of that daydream. “What do you want?”

“To talk, Y/N, you hung up so fast I didn’t even get a chance to-”

“To what? Give me another shitty excuse?” You try not to let your voice get thick. “You’ll find your things in your old room. Leia opened it back up for you. Goodnight.”

He looks thunderstruck, like he can’t believe you’d actually throw him out. Well, you were done being nice.

“I need to talk to you.”

“And say what, Poe?”

“That you were right.”

Now it’s your turn to freeze. “I- excuse me?”

“You were right, Y/N.” You look up to see twin tears tracing their way down his cheeks. “Please, can I… come in?”

You yield and stand aside, letting him in. He sits on the edge of the mattress and covers his face, running his hands through his hair until the curls are sticking straight up. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

“I told you-”

“No, please listen.” He looks up at you woefully. “You were right. About everything. I didn’t want to be here with you. I wanted to be out with my crew, doing something probably really stupid, something against orders and that would blow something up.”

  
Your heart clenches to hear him say it. “I already knew that.”

“But the thing is, the more I thought about it, the more I realized you were wrong. That I was wrong. I want to be here with you more than anything. I want to be with you so much it scares me.” He looks at the wall ahead of him, not willing or not able to look you in the eye. “I’m a pilot, Y/N. It’s who I am. So when a pilot doesn’t want to pilot anymore… what’s left?”

“Someone who loves him,” he continues. “Someone who puts up with all his stupid shit and will still wait up ‘til he lands in the morning. Someone who forces him to medical and makes sure he eats and chides him for being reckless. I have my legacy as a pilot, and ill be damned if I’m not proud of it. And I’ll never stop flying. But,” he says, looking at you with big eyes, “I think I want a new legacy. One with you.”

You’re trying really hard not to let his heartfelt words affect you, but you can feel yourself melting by the minute. “You have a funny way of showing it.’

“I know!” He explodes inward for a moment, then seems to settle. “I know. I was just so confused. I wanted to  be here with you so much I thought I’d lost my love of flying. So it was like I had to prove to myself that it was still there, by flying any chance I got.” He looks up at you. “And it is still there. I’ve made sure of that. But I love you too. I just gotta figure out how to keep the first one in check so I can keep loving you.”

“Poe…” you whisper, arms around your chest, practically clutching yourself. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll have me back,” he pleads, his brown eyes open and honest. “I know I fucked up, Y/N. But the second I landed I went straight to Leia and asked her for a vacation. Two weeks, emergencies only. You deserve it, and so much more. But this is where I can start.”

Overcome, you step forward and gather his face in your hands, smoothing a thumb over that bruise as gently as you can. He doesn’t flinch, just lets you soak him in, hearing his words and the love beneath them.

“Okay,” you whisper, and lean down to gently place a small kiss on his lips. His eyes immediately brighten as he kisses you back.

“Yeah? You’ll forgive me?”

You smile a little. “Eventually. I think it might take, say, two weeks.”

He grins. “I think I can work with that.”


End file.
